Grief is not an easy thing to understand, or write about. I’m still in the throes of it, and I’ve also been observing others’ responses to it, which has been… hmm. Heart-mending, full of compassion, and surprisingly, even hurtful at times, too. But I’m grateful for seeing all of these facets of grief because the Lord is changing me through it. You can’t be unchanged after you lose someone dear to you. I feel like my heart aches for more meaningful reasons these days, since my mom passed a year ago in February. As Mrs. Hughes said on Downton (a show my mom would have loved): “…You only have one mum.”
It’s strange to think back to this exact time last year, the Beginning of the End of Life with My Mom. When she first began slipping, I was absolutely terrified to think about what she would have to go through, physically and emotionally. Spiritually, I knew she was ready, and eager to meet the Lord. The ultimate blessing. But the rest of the ride would be turbulent, and I wasn’t sure how to handle that, or more importantly, help her handle that. But none of my fears would surpass the amazing faithfulness of God throughout this time, and so her song–our song–is one of hope.
I remember each day of her last ten days because I journaled extensively as a way to cope. I’m so glad I did. There are many things I could tell you about this year… I’m sorting through my journals, trying to make it cohesive in my own mind. I was hesitant to do this initially because it just brings everything back so clearly; but isn’t this why we write? To feel those things again every time we read it? I distinctly remember thinking at the time, “I can’t forget this…” I think it’s part of my healing process. I’m accepting that I won’t be able to understand some things for awhile, and that’s okay; I need more restrospect. Many things I’ll never understand, and that’s okay too. But in the meantime, I can share some good things that have already come from this dark place.
We all have sadnesses and pain, and I know you can relate to that; what I want to show you is how I really began to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living–not just leaving that kind of goodness for Heaven only someday, but now, today, seeing what the Lord is offering, particularly in hurting times. He so.much. wants to encourage our hearts.
Hope rises like a beautiful phoenix out of this kind of darkness, brighter than out of any other kind of situation. I’d love to share some of these risings with you.