Three little cardigans?

NoWay

SistersLooking

smiling

We are so doing this again! Our new little #3 is due this September, and we can’t wait to meet him or her. ย (R and I are both envisioning three little sisters, so we’ll be uber surprised if it’s a boy. We should know in a couple of months!)

Baby:

> Is almost 11 weeks, and as big as a fig. We’ve had two ultrasounds so far, and he/she has a strong heartbeat and looks great. I’m looking forward to more ultrasounds; I always laugh when I see the baby moving around like crazy, as hard as I try to stay still for measurements. I’m looking forward to that again!

I:

> Am feeling pretty preggo, tired, and sick. I was telling Raul the other night that I feel like Jekyll and Hyde; I curl up each night feeling completely horrible, and wake up like new, feeling pretty good. It’s been like this every night since late January–I’m looking forward to second trimester! It’s amazing to me how different each pregnancy has been, but the night sickness is a common thread for all three so far. I would venture to say I’ve felt more consistently ugh this time around, though. 27 vs. almost 32…

> Am craving salty and spicy stuff, and comfort foods, like soup, potatoes, pasta. Ice water is my favorite thing to drink right now. I haven’t had coffee since late January, and only have tea sporadically. This is craziness since I looove coffee and tea, but neither ever really sound good to me these days. I’m thinking it will be short-lived; I enjoyed coffee at the end of my pregnancy with Nat.

> Still need to get a journal for this baby! It’s funny, the progress of these things… I bought a journal for Olivia months before we even knew we were pregnant to catalog the whole ‘first pregnancy journey’; I bought Natalie’s journal as soon as we found out about her, and I still haven’t bought one for this baby. Poor number three. Some of this has to do with him/her being a bit of a surprise. I am still catching up, although mentally and emotionally, I am over ‘shocked and awed’ and am feeling grateful for another (and last, ha) go at babyhood. I’ll never forget Raul’s smile when I told him, and how he said, “God knew there would be three, this whole time.”

The girls:

> Are looking forward to a baby. Olivia (~4) is hoping for a girl (“Then there will be threeee of us!”), and has asked some great questions about babies and how they come out. I’ve ordered some books at her level for us to go through together, and am looking forward to sitting and chatting about baby things. I told her we’d make it special, maybe with tea and cupcakes. Natalie (2) is more concerned about the current well being of the baby, and says more things like, “Your baby hungry now?” or “Baby cold? Baby sleepy?” It’s sweet to see their different reactions. Nat also has a couple of big sister books on the way, which I’m sure she’ll enjoy–everything is about how she’s a Big Girl these days, and this will only solidify that.

> Will be sharing a room. We just moved Natalie into her big girl bed (crib without a side), and she is doing great–only waking once or twice a night. Soon, we’ll move her into Olivia’s room… and potty training won’t be far behind.

So, the future name of this blog is undecided right now… I guess it will depend on the gender of the baby. :) And I’ve timed this post well, as Jekyll is about to take over for the evening (around 4 or 5 each night), so I’m off to rest and get some lifesaving ice water…be well!!

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My dear, dear daughter

I am amazed at how my babies bring out my memories. Things I haven’t thought about in years pop to the surface all the time.

The last week or so, Natalie (who’s 2) has been saying “my mommy” for everything.

“Can I eat this, my mommy?”

“Have toys now, my mommy?”

“Me hug, my mommy?”

I, of course, am eating this up. I love feeling owned by this sweet little girl. But it was also one of those memory awakenings. After a couple days of this, I distinctly remembered my mom writing in my baby journal about how I would say this to her (although I said “me mommy,” ha). Once I realized this, the wall I’ve subconsciously been building the last few months cracked. Joy and heartache poured out. I remembered February 7 was coming up, the day my mom passed, and felt a bit of dread.

I know the Lord is rebuilding me into the person He wants me to be, and it can be so hard at times to be patient with this process, but I trust Him and know it will take time. All of the grief, all of the tears–these are chiseling my heart, and they’re not for nothing. Each year I hope to see the changes in my life, and be encouraged by them.

Sometimes when I cry, I feel bad about it because if she could see me now, she’d be upset and crying with me, and I don’t like to think of upsetting her. Does this make any sense? She’d always cry with me. ย Which, I guess, is one of the things I miss the most, too…It’s in these times, that are just such deep chasms of hurt, that I have to turn to the Lord for comfort and assurance. He is mending me, bit by bit.

Sometimes, my girls not only awaken memories for me, but they unknowingly encourage me, too. These are my favorites. Today, Olivia was singing, “My God is so big! So strong and so mighty there’s nothing my God cannot do.. for YOU!” She pointed to me while stuffing PB&J in her mouth, and I had to take her words to heart. ย She kept singing it, over and over, and when I normally may say, “Okay sister, that’s enough,” I let her go because it spoke peace into my heart, and she was so cute on repeat. I needed to hear that today. From the mouth of babes…

So, healing is happening, even if I feel frustrated by not feeling far enough… I’m getting there. I’m going to spend some time today in quiet, in thought, in prayer, and I’m sure in tears. But that’s okay. Wearing her cursive “E” brooch on my coat is healing. ย All of the songs I sing to the girls at nighttime are songs she sang to me, so every night, there’s that bit of connection and generational sharing. Seeing her handwriting makes her feel incredibly close.

Seven years ago, soon after my mom was first diagnosed, she wrote letters to each family member to be read after she passed. In mine, she wrote kind words of comfort, which echo in my head often. Don’t we all need words of comfort to remember down the line?

“Seeing Jesus will be a wonderful delight,” she wrote. “Please live a blessed life with Raul and your children. I love you, dear, dear daughter.”

I love you too, my dear, dear mom.

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