Turning the Pages

Hi, friends. I haven’t written here for eleven months. What the what? Not since my dear friends moved, not since my oldest began kindergarten, not since I began learning and practicing calligraphy last August. More on that soon. :)

I’ve kinda chalked it up to having fun with Instagram and calligraphy and sharing short snippets of life rather than long blog posts. (People still blog, right?) I’ll be honest: it’s been easier, both to keep up with on my end, and read.

But now, sitting here, I think I’ve just taken a break to direct energies where they needed to be this year. Mostly, with my kidlets, who are growing fast. I read a great quote about being intentional with your time…”be generous with it, but guard it fiercely.” I’m always gonna be learning about balance.

I think I’m feeling like I can write here again because a new season is beginning. Isn’t that how it usually feels on the cusp of summer?  This month, it’s the changing of a big season: after coordinating MOPS for three years, I’m stepping out so two wonderful friends can step in who are gonna rock it. They already are, which is a huge blessing.

Maybe releasing this last three-year-long chapter, and being ready to find my next one, has just taken time for me to process. Or maybe my toddler is finally sleeping through the night. Yesss.

And oddly, in all of this turning over, writing has reared its mysterious head this week, after months of silence. Three different people have asked me about my writing life this week (when does this happen…?), and I found a new podcast for writers that is going to help fuel my current feelings about it, I hope. Hard to explain, but as I told Raul earlier today, my writing self is all tingly. I’m happy about that!

I don’t share journal entries often, but this one I scribbled on the pages of Hello Darling magazine last September, and it pertains to how I feel today. And Eli’s little hand is always on my stuff. (Don’t you love writing on magazine pages? Especially with a sharpie…thank goodness for the written word or I’d forget so much of my life. Much of my thankfulness!)

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September 2015

“It is the beginning of the end of my time at MOPS as Coordinator, and I feel both ready and sad about it.  I love how God works because He flips things upside down and inside out and grabs your hand for a grand adventure and it is so worth it. I never knew how worth it it would be, looking at my 2013 self.

I had lost my mom, my footing–my foundation was steadying again from being blasted and I really didn’t know what I had to give, or how to lead, or how to be outward when I felt so broken and vulnerable. I shook with fear, inside and out. But I still felt called to coordinate and encourage others. I am so thankful for the gentle nudges from Nancy and others, but most of all, my Lord, who carried me and helped me learn, again, how to rely on Him. He also reiterated to me how toxic people pleasing truly is.

Coordinating taught me to see other women, wives, and moms, hurting, struggling, wanting connection, and to find joy in motherhood during the little years. Just like me. And by watching a loving team in action, and having a patient, kind mentor, I began to be more outward. I began to take note of how others loved me well, and imitated that behavior.  Hearts opened up, and so did mine.  I am not who I was. The Lord has always filled me with hope, but now I see that He wants to continue filling me up in my relationship with him. Hope, joy, and love. Constantly, He has refilled my cup and preciously, gently handed it back to me after I’ve thrown it in the corner, empty.”

In your waiting, in your struggling, in the changes you choose or that choose you, the good of the Lord is still there, lighting your way. Redeeming is His business. Nothing goes to waste.  Pages turn, so that new chapters can start. Writing starts again after silence, that wonderful, familiar click clack of keys. And toddlers begin sleeping all through the night.

:)

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